I am learning

I am almost 50 years old and still learning to live with family members with mental illness.

A recent turning point was finally getting up my nerve and attending a local National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) meeting. This group provides peer support for family members of those with mental illness. No one would go with me from my family.

In many ways, my family members have found ways that work for them right now. All of my siblings and I have found our way to therapists to help sort through the ashes of our family life. One sibling moved to the west coast. Another family member has created a schedule so full that she has no room for anything but work, caregiving and church. Attending NAMI was my work to do.

Recently one of the untreated, aging family members was in need of additional support for physical problems. With more intense involvement, new issues were brought up and old ones re-ignited. Here I am a therapist. Can't I figure out how to manage or deal with this? The answer is no, not alone.

That first meeting was difficult. The participants asked hard questions, pointed out patterns of behaviour that they had experienced themselves and listened. They challenged some of my rationalizing of certain behaviors. Instead they emphasized the need for a good psychiatrist who worked on medication issues, along with a good therapist and support services for their loved one. They also advocated setting clear boundaries.

At one point this felt like an Al-a-non meeting, the family support version of AA, where family members are encouraged to not let those with mental illness control everyone else's life because of their inability or choice not to follow-through on treatment or make good decisions.

I was surprised by the attendee's knowledge of mental illness. In the process of caring for their loved ones, they had become experts in medication and treatment that worked for that person.

It was strong medicine to sit in their company and humbling to be a therapist. But also, we were all there as a family member struggling like everyone else in that room to love someone who has mental illness. In some cases, the loved one's illness tore the family apart. We all needed each other.

I've been on this journey my whole life. I often want more for my loved ones than they want for themselves. I cannot do their work for them. I cannot prevent them from their life lessions.

I still have a lot to learn and it has to do with my responses. I can love them, but I am learning to be supportive while not losing my self in the process.