In my field of pastoral counseling, there is a concept called counter trans ference. This is when the counselor's personal stuff gets activated and they am not emotionally present for the other client. This can cause big problems in the counseling relationship.

I am in the midst of one of those times.

I recently was working on returning to a part-time counseling center where the clients struggle with poverty, violence and addiction - in addition to their mental health issues.

It is a tough place to work at. The last time I worked there, ten days into the job, the office building was set on fire. It is believed that it was an act of arson from a client's family member. Thankfully, the fire took place in the middle of the night and no one was hurt. Needless to say, staff and clients carried on in cramped quarters nearby until new space could be found.

I often lost sleep worrying about whether a psychotic patient would act out on their delusions; or, I would go over the details of a case to sort out what was likely true and what might be drug-seeking behaviors. It was a pretty common pattern to come in on Monday morning to a voicemail message stating that a client had been hospitalized over the weekend.

Last week, I learned of a new and damaging piece of news in my family that reactivated deep grief and fear. I call this part of my family life, the gift that keeps on giving. Don't know when or how it will show up; but somehow, it never goes away. This traumatic aspect of family life sometimes seems dormant. Yet, I can never trust that it will be resolved. Because, it hasn't.

This most recent news created a crater of grief, a death of sorts. Something I had hoped had been put to bed turns out to have regrouped in a more disturbing form. I had a gut feeling that this might be perculating, so it wasn't a total surprise. It is just that it continues to ravage any sense of normalcy I keep wishing for in my family.

After deep reflection at my Quaker meeting for worship yesterday, I knew that I needed to call this job and ask them to find someone else to take the position that I was to start this week. There was no way I could responsibly serve these clients who have had so much trauma already in their lives and be any good to them or me.

I called the director and explained as best I could that I had a countertransference issue that had been activated. I couldn't see my way past this at the moment. She was very understanding and encouraged me to call back when I was in a better place.

My voice was trembling by the end of the brief conversation. I need the work; I need the clinical hours. How am I ever going to complete my licensure requirements?

After several years of dancing around the path that has lead down the pastoral counseling track, I am seeing more clearly that this work has been largely about coping with my own family. Now the question becomes: can I do this work; and if so, under what conditions? Or, do I need to find something less raw?

Is this even possible? I don't know.

During this Advent season, I am having a hard time connecting to the message of hope from my own personal story to the big mess our world is in.

Somehow Mary was able to muster a YES to God and accepted the responsibility of bringing the miracle of Jesus into the world. Did she know what she was saying yes to?

In the Book of Luke, Simeon recognized the baby Jesus at the temple and then told Mary that her heart would be pierced. Is this the lot of all mothers?

Now what, God?