It happened again: I stayed around for the Thanksgiving holidays and got sick. As it turns out, I made it through the dinners before coming down with a virus. That's progress.
The good news is that this time it wasn't as debilitating as I have had in the past.
Therapists and healers in the past have helped me connect the dots between stress and the body.
What's the deal this time? We had one meal with my partner's people and another meal with our kids/grandson two days later. (There was a time when we did three meals in a day for major holidays.)
This year I had told my mom that I wasn't planning on going to my maternal grandmother's place for the dinner that mom prepares. But mom called the eve of Thanksgiving to make sure that my youngest daughter knew that she was invited (which she did) and then added that my foster brother was going to be bored with just old people at the dinner. (Sorry bro.)
The guilt flooded me for hours afterwards. I didn't want to let them down.
But here is the thing, the form of celebration with my parents isn't anything to look forward to. In fact, it feels like a dead form of something that no longer works.
Mom seems to be trying to revive memories of when my grandmother had 40-50 people from the family and neighborhood over for dinner. For this Depression Era set of grandparents, Thanksgiving was a big deal.
My grandparents ran a general store that was open 363 days a year - with Thanksgiving and Christmas being the only days the store was closed. They were hard workers and enjoyed celebrating the abundance they did not have in their earlier years.
Grandma had a stroke 10 years ago, which has severely limited her abilities. She's been in decline for so long that she's been in hospice for the past year. She has not been moved from the bed because of bedsore problems for the last six months, except when my mother comes over for Sunday or holidays meals. Then she is propped up at the table and fed - even if she is asleep.
None of my mother's siblings come nor their kids to these "celebrations." And, my two sisters don't participate either. This is not to say that my mom and her siblings are not heavily involved in her care - they are.
We are now at the point where eating at Grandma's is like trying to relive a past that no longer exists. I feel for my mom.
A few years ago, I couldn't take it anymore and found people to visit over the holidays. No illnesses those winters.
Two years ago, I thought I needed to support my mom and attend. I got sick for the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe I was just exposed to particularly virulent germs when this happens. Just bad luck.
In talking with women whose families are grown and whose elders are dying or dead, we are all grappling with how to create celebrations or be with celebrations that serve us and our families.
I'm getting sick and tired of trying to get this right. As a beloved friend has been reminding me for the past year, each moment is precious. Let's find the joy and celebrate that.
I hope it was helpful to get this down in words.
ReplyDeleteDo what you can.
Dear Diane,
ReplyDeleteThis a brave post. Brave. Maybe one of the bravest I have read although I have not read all of yours.
I remember your grandmother because I was down at that store several times a week. I remember her with a lot of love. And your aunt made my family's Thanksgiving pies.
It takes a lot of guts to say when you have done all your body can hold with, to tolerate.
To say what once was is gone. That is a brave and hard thing to say. You did not step away, you didn't glance away. You looked.
My love goes out to every one of you, everyone.
Dear Diane,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Susan that this is a brave post.
It is so hard to see clearly and especially when those you love and the culture you live in work against that clarity.
My body responds pretty much as yours does, sometimes that's the only way I can actually see that I need to make some kind of change.
I'm holding you and yours in the light.
Love,
Norma
Thank you for your wonderfully supportive comments.
ReplyDeleteI finally got a chance to read this.
ReplyDeleteThank you for speaking for all of us. So many of us, especially nurturing women, continue to do for others even when it puts ourselves at risk.
I'm trying to learn when is the appropriate time to use my "will power" to grind through situations that are tough for me, and when to listen to my intuition which asks me to reconsider, and find a balance more kind to myself.
Love you, and your posts,
Gina