Riding the roller coaster

The Buddhists talk about non-attachment, continuous change, and experimentation - just don't take Buddha's word or anyone elses, see for yourself.

So this mindfulness stuff helps me be with the roller coaster.

One minute, I feel sick and mentally fuzzy. Thirty minutes after taking an ibuprofen, I feel better. But then I get the sweats. Daytimes are much better than evenings. Days are morphing into weeks, but things are getting better.

Yesterday I was feeling the best I had felt in weeks. I could do my financial work without fear of messing up the books. The day before, it took me three tries to split an account accurately.

I was also waiting for lab results taken last week. With the Memorial Day weekend holiday, it took longer than usual to get them back.

After 2:00 p.m., the nurse called me. Instead of giving me the results over the phone, I got this: the doctor wants to see you; can you come in this afternoon or first thing tomorrow morning before our regular hours.

Since I've been dealing with whatever this is for over a month, I figured a few more hours wouldn't matter. I said I'd come in the next morning.

So, the headaches and pains came on last night around 5 p.m. Thirty minutes later, I got relief and a little warm and sweaty. And then, like many other nights, once the medication wears off, the headache and aches wake me up. I try to practice relaxation exercises.

See, I can breath deeply, I can ride the waves. But after lying in bed for who knows how long, I get up and take an ibuprofen. Thirty minutes later, I realize that I can breath easier and that the pain is subsiding. Then I get warmer and sweatier than during the day. I hate that feeling.

I keep pushing away thoughts of the doctor's appointment. What could be so important?

When I got the call back from the initial bloodwork several weeks ago, I was told that my thyroid activity was elevated. I became upset. Hyper-active thyroid? I can't loose weight on a diet and have no appetite, and you are telling me I am hyperthryroid? I was told over the phone to come back in two months to get it retested, keep taking the antibiotic for Lymes disease and let's see what happens.

The nurse practitioner humored me when I asked if there wasn't something more we could do since I just had a sister diagnosed with Graves disase (hyperthyroid) last year and a younger cousin with metastatic thyroid cancer. I have lots of family members on my maternal grandmother's side with thyroid and autoimmune problems.

She mailed me the ultrasound order and said I could get it done when it was convenient.

Fast forward to the ultra sound test: yes, there is some swelling of the thyroid and a node. At this point, my swallowing had been much more difficult than it is now.

I made an appointment with a doctor in the practice for the day after the ultrasound.

This is a big deal since I have been mostly seeing nurse practitioners. The female doc in the office I used to see opted out of insurance and does holistic medicine, which is nice but I can't afford it. The last time I saw a male doc, he had his head stuck in the laptop computer except for the most perfunctory check-up.

I needed someone - male or female - who would listen and who had experience. So many of the docs are new to the practice as the community grows and the older docs are retiring. Maybe I was getting to an age where I should be seeing an internal medicine doctor. But I wanted to give this family practice a try. Our family has stayed with this practice because they backed up our homebirth midwives when others would not.

I settled on one of the men I had probably over ten years ago for something minor. At the end of the first appointment, he held my gaze for longer than I was used to. I didn't look sick enough for some of the things he was thinking about, he'd said earlier in the appointment. I was hoping for some kind of healing transmission, but figured that wasn't really what the gaze was about. It was more like, what is going on?

As I ride the rollercoaster, my own attachments around health and illness, medical institutions and the people involved in our healthcare system, science and faith, my loved one's reactions, and my own relationship to my body, are being tested.

Yes, what is going on?