Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The distance between two hearts

Looking up at the sky
Between distant shores
I see the Source of my being
Who knew we were this large?

There is a point where one is too far from the shore of the past and not within sight of the shore of the future.

A month ago was the anniversary of Dad's death. I found myself between the firmness of solid ground. When I reflect on this, I realize that I have been seeking this place. Reading Pema Chodron's books about what we think of as permanent and reliable, may not be all it is cracked up to be. In fact, it is an illusion and causes us much suffering. There is nothing absolute except change and Love.

When jumping into deep water, try not to sink.

For several years and maybe all my life, I have been seeking a solid sense of self. The thing is, this sense of self is too small.

Partner and I were heading home the other day and he remarked that a two-year spiritual nurturers program, School of the Spirit, changed me and changed our relationship. I was surprised. That program took place ten years ago. I had no idea he felt this way.

When I asked him what was he thought changed, he thought carefully about what to say:

At first he said, "I was worried it would change you and our relationship."

Then he said, "It began to soften your edges. Eventually, you didn't fight so hard to be right all the time."

The timing of the School of the Spirit program coincided with my mid-life development shift - it was an initiation into the Jungian second-half of life phase. The lessons got harder. Yet, those friendships and gifts continue to serve me by teaching me to lean into those places with others when I would otherwise tend to go it alone.

It seems to be human nature to resist what we are afraid of. The universe has been a wonderful tool for exposing all the ways I have tried to control and protect myself - and others - from trouble. It simply doesn't work. The work of growing into a lighter self is called for. One cannot swim or take a boat across the way with extra weight dragging the body down.

What is left after letting go of unnecessary baggage is the opportunity to experience with freshness what has been missing - what I have been missing,  and to see how vast the universe is.

I see the stars and remember my birth and death and the space in between.

Dad, this is in memory of you. Your bones may have been flung at railroad stations and placed under a weeping cherry on the farm, but your spirit was always much larger.

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