I should be meditating. I've been thinking about it all morning.

I got out of bed, got dressed, made the bed, brushed my teeth, and combed my hair. I walked past my meditation cushion knowing that I was skipping over this part of my sort-of-daily ritual. Then I walked out of the room with my mental list of things to do today.

Or more realistically, I was arranging things to do today to avoid doing the other things I felt I should be doing but didn't want to do.

That is how it works for me sometimes. I am attracted to the things that feel novel or are not as difficult as the things I feel I must do.

When I have a good harp lesson, I feel like I can practice my heart out. I love playing the harp. But when things get garbled, or I get nervous and fumble a lot during a lesson, the embarrassment and frustration linger and I don't practice as long or as focused the next week.

For a long time, my meditation has been about just sitting. I learned this from a Zen teacher. She made it sound so perfect - that if sitting is the only thing we do in meditation practice, that is enough. Showing up to sit is not just a great start, but essential. And we keep starting over all our lives in various forms with what she called beginners mind. But I get tangled up in my meditation when I believe it should be something more.

So, many thoughts and feelings take over. I want it to bring about peace - in myself and in the world. I want to experience a more compassionate way of being. And yet, I don't trust it. Unlike the river running freely, my thoughts are more like a log jam backing up everything else. All these thoughts and feelings create more knotted messes.

What gets me through my difficulty is thinking in terms of Wabi Sabi - a beauty so stunning with its imperfection that it pierces the heart. It is available to see in the world everywhere, everyday. I'm getting better at seeing it in others and in the natural world.

Perhaps now, I will try to see Wabi Sabi within me.