The Desire for Comfort

Lately, I've been looking on-line at big fluffy dogs. I'm attracted to Great Pyrenees after seeing a pair of siblings last year. Large working dogs, friendly but not extroverted either, I could see myself owning one for about a week before the reality of commitment would hit.

I go through this every now and then, this desire for non-human, mammal companionship.

I grew up with a collie that looked just like lassie. We farmed and Poochy was always nearby. I was six when Pooch disappeared. It took us kids a month before we figured out the dog was gone and asked mom where he was at. Pooch died with cancer and was put to sleep. He'd already lost his tail, so we knew it was true.

Over the ensuing years, we had several black labs that always ran away to the neighbor farms. They were goofy and more trouble than they were worth.

Once married and with kids, we tried collie mixes, but our farm was too close to the road and the dogs would get hit. I didn't see the point in having a dog if you were going to pen it or chain it up all the time. Even though my kids think I am tough, I couldn't bear losing another dog to cars and felt the dog's quality of life was important, too.

Quality of life.

My father-in-law was hospitalized suddenly last week after feeling sick since New Years Eve. A scan determined that he had a tumor in his lower intestine. The doctors did surgery this weekend. The question isn't whether or not he has cancer, but what stage the cancer is.

His tail hasn't fallen off yet, but he is 84 years old or 12 in dog years.

I've been in relationship with this man for more than my 30 years of marriage to his third son. (This is how he introduced me to his youth pastor at the hospital- wife of the third son.) After marrying, I moved into a house not 50 feet from my in-laws. Partner was the only son who stayed to work on the family farm. Our kids were raised next to their grandparents. Whoever said that when you marry, you marry into the whole family certainly got this situation down.

I had gained another father.

Father-in-law took care of mother-in-law when she was diagnosed with colon cancer back in the late 1990's. So many memories of crisis and how colon cancer can be so devastating. And, she wasn't the only family member who had colon cancer in the family. His father and a sister died from colon cancer, too. There is a lot this family has experienced when it comes to this form of cancer, especially pain and fear.

Since the uproar started last week, Partner has spent most of his waking, non-work time at the hospital. Rightfully so.

I spent some time at the hospital, but not nearly so much as I should. Father-in-law likes to pick on me by talking trash about political issues. I have a tendency to be active in local community issues - usually to his chagrin. This verbal sparring was interesting the first 10 years of our relationship. The past 20+ years have not been so fun, reflecting the larger split growing in our country.

Once his pain meds started to work last week, he was back to his old ways. With everyone else, he seems to tell stories. With me, he says inflamatory things to get me going and did that the first evening I visited.

Upon leaving the hospital, I hit up two McDonald's - one in town by the hospital and the other close to home - to get an ice cream cone -at each. About the time I finished the first cone, I came to the exit for the next McDonald's. I was still mad and figured this was better than buying a pint of Ben and Jerry's. (Don't ask me to make sense of that logic!) And, the experience was wonderful,... smooth creamy vanilla, finished off with a crunchy cone. Calm down, dear. Damn that man knows how to get at me.

What I didn't realize was that this was when I started my search for dogs more earnestly.

The thing is that I don't really have the time or money for a big dog. I like a clean house. My grandson is allergic to animal dander. I like to be able to leave for a day or two. A dog will scare away the birds and wildlife that come on the property. What about people who have been traumatized by dogs and come to visit? Oh, so many reasons why not; and, not so many reasons to take on the responsibility of having a dog.

Cats are easier, but Grandson is even more allergic to them. I can tolerate the hairball mess. A little food and water, a litter box, and voila, you think they are your friends. But don't let them fool you, they don't really care about you.

Dogs connect at a soul level for me. I think it is their expressive eyes. Horses have it, too, but I'm not bringing them into the living room or having them in my car.

I'm not talking about other people's dogs here when I talk about connection. I'm talking about a personal relationship, a partnership, a friendship.

When I stopped by Partner's work yesterday and talked with co-workers, I was surprised that Partner said something about needing to spend more time with me in front of everyone. I asked why? He said because he knows that when I start talking about dogs, he's not around enough.

Why didn't I make that connection?

And if my kids are reading this: your dad is way more than just a pet. Believe me, our relationship is much more complicated and deeper than that.

The thing is, the kids are gone, the house is too quiet, and I just want to reach down and stroke some fluff while a pair of big brown eyes search out mine for life.

For now, this is a fantasy unfulfilled. Sometimes life is easier that way. But I bet my dog would have loved to go through the drive-through with me and share an ice cream cone on a cold winter's day.

www.nationalpyr.org for Great Pyrnees rescue information and to see the photo. Photo taken by Jack McQuade. He has his own website at www.bigwhitedog.info. Enjoy.