The universe came together in a wonderful way last week. As my 50th birthday was being marked, I celebrated by attending a weeklong silent meditation retreat. This was the first time I've gotten to spend that much time in silence and I didn't know how it would go.

At the beginning, we were asked to set our intention. I hadn't really thought about setting a goal for the retreat. But as I sat on my cushion, it occured to me that "integration" was my goal. I wanted to integrate the whole 50 years of my life on earth and make peace with it.

As it turned out, little things along the way arose that reminded me of past wounds or difficult experiences or wonderful life events. The important ones just showed up like they do whenever I have the time to reflect. Some memories that came to mind surprised me because I had forgotten them. The beauty was that I had nothing else to do but tenderly hold whatever arose and let it go. It was like a non-linear life review.

The week basically was a typical meditation retreat with sitting and walking meditation scheduled from 6:15 a.m. until 9:30 p.m. everyday. Scatterings of yoga and meditation talks were offered. Meals changed up the rhythm of the walking and sitting meditations, but were also meant to focus on ways of being present to the moment.

The practice of lovingkindness meditation was particularly soothing and supportive. What was so helpful was that the stage was being set by the workshop leaders for opening the body, heart and mind in a tender and safe way. First we practiced lovingkindness on ourselves, then others we love, then strangers or people we are less reactive to, followed by those we have experienced difficulties. Finally, we ended with focusing on loving the world and all that entails.

I don't know what the conditions were that allowed me to be so open, but I was able to work with a most difficult relationship and bring that person into my heart in a non-reactive way using a method I have found difficult in the past - Tonglen.

Tonglen is a method that focuses on breathing in a difficulty or suffering and turning it around to a positive energy or releasing it to the universe on the out breath. I typically find my body resisting this practice. Drawing in pain and suffering intentionally usually adds to my own sense of physical and psychological restriction or resistence. It just didn't work in the past.

To experience my difficult person and the suffering they caused without resistance or reactivity is huge for me. Usually, I would try to force loving this person and my heart would be in such pain or I'd feel sick. But after an adulthood of working on my issues, years of meditation practice, and being in the right place and time for this work, I was surprised by this awareness of non-reactivity. I could breath in the suffering and let it go without resistance. What a concept!

More than that, by the end of the week I came to view that what I was really experiencing was equanimity.

Equanimity is the idea that we hold all experiences and beings with lovingkindness - all of it, no matter what. It had been such a confusing concept to me. I'd get all tied up in imagining what is was supposed to look like, but could not understand how that actually worked. I was not able to think my way into this awareness.

In that past, I would try to love everyone else with all their flaws, but I could not fathom anyone loving me for who I am - you know, if they really knew me. At the end of the retreat, I gained a gentle, but revolutionary understanding of equanimity as my heart softened and I loved everyone else... including my difficult relationships... and finally was able to included all of me, too. What a sweet and tender revelation.

At the age of 50 years, I am finally getting a taste of equanimity. And, it was surprising that I had to include me. Wasn't that what the beginning of the week practices were about? How many times had I done this practice and had not had the ability to bring all of me along?

I was also reminded that these Buddhist practices are all inter-related. One practice leads to another; and, one never knows why the path is a little different for each person. What is so great about Buddhism is that people are given permission to explore and test for themselves to see what works or doesn't work.

Who knew that I'd experience such wonderful things after living 50 years on this earth? It is a bit like finding ripe fruit for the picking. How delightful!